Thoughts among thoughts

I’ve dreamed about this trip for as long as I can remember.  Traveling up for a few days on the west coast, stopping at locations I remember being mesmerized at as a child

Taking my time to climb all of California, pausing when needed so I could feel the heartbeat of God and see his face in every direction I could stand still in 

The initial hike was dry. A bit cooler than I had imagined, or packed for. 

As I got further into the woods, I began to notice small droplets of water hanging off some of the vines 

A simple reminder that,  

Life is not always as one would assume it can be

Sometimes change, while inevitable, can only be seen if you come completely into self- making way for the beauty one so often overlooks

I would have moments where instinct prompted me to reach for my phone- I have a bird app that identifies different calls. I am so conditioned!!! And the domestication has made me agitated, why can I not change behaviors of mine that have been engrained within me for years? (irony) 

Pausing, I allowed myself to simply be, and simple listen. A stellar’s jay. One of my favorite

Verifying.. correct

I wrote this midway through my trip up the California coastline. I made a promise to myself— be still & write. A few days in, I was frustrated that no creativity had erupted in my mind

Silly, if you will, to not have a cup overflowing from sheer beauty (and silence!!!) around me

My hand cramps easily when I write, so I decided to jot this down on my phone. I have fleeting anxiety as time passes. What if a hiker sees me on the phone in one of the most breathtaking spots I’ve encountered?

What if I never get married?

What if I never feel financially stable?

What if I lose the only parent I have left?

What if I, what if I…. What if?

So yes, maybe I was judged

And maybe I won’t get married

And perhaps Social Work will not find me in a financial state free of worry

Or maybe; I will

And I will 

And I will

And —maybe none of it really matters at all

The mattering incurs the worry and incurs the questions and hinders the ability of the quieting mind

The forest is quiet in a way I have only heard one or twice

In Death Valley, California – and the moment I talked to my mom on the phone to let me know my dad has passed

Not only loving yourself, but learning to trust fully from within is a journey I embarked on several years ago. It was no longer a desire, but a sheer survival skill I knew needed to be added to my toolkit

So yes— closing my eyes, I know a stellar’s Jay

But I still sometimes reach for my phone out of instinct

We are never truly able to “unlearn” things, but we can learn new things. 

Being single at 31 is something that for most people causes fear of losing the American Dream: but that dream never really existed— most of us know