Gentle nudge

I think the worst thing I’ve ever done in this life is leave words unsaid. I think I’ve left doors cracked open but not enough that I could see inside. This year has shaken enough out of me that I know understand what it means- I want you the way she wants me. Soft, cold, silly, scars out in the open, laid out one by one on the table. I want you to want me when I’m heartless, when I’m filled with love, when I’m dying inside. The way she always did.

Friendship is a funny thing, you know? Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most and are graced with another opportunity- when they let you back in.

A blog isn’t just for flowery words and beautiful thoughts coming from my mind. It’s a journal, it’s a vulnerability that I can be too scared to show the world unless the words come from my mouth- elsewhere.

I have a friend who taught me more about myself than I realized. I fought so hard to prove a point, but the gun was aimed at me, from my hands—- and at some point,it went off. I speak for myself when I say ego and pride consume and control the majority of my decisions. I won’t say sorry out possibly losing control, out of selfishness, out of judgement, out of fear.

When I moved to California, my plan was to see “what would happen”. What came out of this will be something not only irreplaceable, but unable to be explained. I have a family and a home and mostly importantly- the void filled. The cup filled. Overflowing with the learning, the leaning, the being. I’ll always be here- now.